


Touch Upon the Wonders that You See

by waldorph



Series: Illogical (√π233/hy7) [6]
Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Movie Fusion, Character Study, Minor Character Death, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-08-29
Updated: 2009-08-29
Packaged: 2017-10-02 22:10:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waldorph/pseuds/waldorph
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sarek does not always understand his son, but that does not mean he does not love him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Touch Upon the Wonders that You See

**Author's Note:**

> written for **rosepetalfall**

_Although you see the world different than me  
Sometimes I can touch upon the wonders that you see  
All the new colors and pictures you've designed  
Oh yes, sweet darling   
So glad you are a child of mine_  
\- Carol King, "Child of Mine"

**1.**  
He had been bonded to T'Rei- married, and parted ways. Their continued affiliation was not logical; T'Pau sent Sarek to Earth, and T'Rei stayed behind on Vulcan. They remained married, and every seven years she eased him through Pon Farr until her ascension to the position of High Master of Gol, when their marriage was annulled.

Sarek felt little, save perhaps pride in her success. He expressed nothing: he was a Vulcan.

When he met Amanda, the wave of emotion which assaulted him was nearly debilitating. It was logical to marry her: to allow another to touch her, to have her and hold her dear, was not an option.

**2.**  
When Amanda conceives, he is perturbed. He seeks the counsel T'Pau, who administers a regimen of vitamins and hormones to ease the pregnancy. Amanda's body adjusts to the dry heat of Vulcan, and she fills her time writing books and reading Vulcan histories as their son grows beneath her ribcage.

It is much discussed, even among Vulcans, and the collective consciousness notes the pregnancy of a Human woman with the child of Sarek.

When he is born he is Vulcan in appearance; long in the torso, his ears pointing at the tips and his eyebrows slanting upwards.

His eyes are Amanda's- his son has Human eyes.

And yet his response to him is illogical- the surge of protective adoration which compels him to lift him gently and hold him close.

He needs to be held constantly- he feels the absence of both of them most keenly, and Sarek concludes this means that his Vulcan heritage is strong within him: Spock is a touch telepath like the rest of their race.

Amanda agrees that they must raise him on Vulcan. To raise Spock in a system which does not address the existence of such telepathy would cripple their child.

She is very concerned with his education, but then that is logical, as Amanda is an excellent educator in her own right.

**3.**  
Spock develops far quicker than Sarek had projected. In spite of his handicap of a Human mother, Spock's mind is far more adept than his peers. He approaches situations with ruthless logic, and yet, when Sarek observes a data file with Spock's daily results upon it he can pinpoint certain inconsistencies within Spock's method of processing information. Where Sarek would start at a base of a problem and work through, as all Vulcans do, Spock does not seem to need that foundational approach. Rather than working in a progression of "as x is = to y and b=x, then b must also be = to y, which in turn results in y=x", Spock instead takes the data in a lump form, and his answers generally resemble a "y=x due to the fact that it is given that x=y". Spock eliminates extra data, focusing like a laser. He is correct, and advanced, but his thinking is not Vulcan, not entirely.

He does not socialize with his peers, forming bonds within their society, but rather returns each day to spend time with his mother, reading quietly as she writes, or doing his own work in her company.

Occasionally, when Sarek looks at them both, it is the same expression in both of their eyes.

When Spock is 16, he blows up the entire wing of the science labs. He is unrepentant, and his eyebrow lifts defiantly when he is confronted.

There is no evidence that it was deliberate save the fact that Sarek knows his son, and knows that his mentor, Sacchek, was highly xenophobic. Spock does not respond to goading or close questioning, and he is absolved. He refuses to discuss the matter with Sarek, but Amanda manages to draw from him a confession of sorts- he left a highly reactive substance when he went to get sustenance near an open flame.

"An honest mistake," he says.

"Oh, Spock," Amanda sighs, taking his face in one of her hands. "You can't let them rile you so."

"On the contrary, Mother, I am not riled," Spock avers.

She sighs. "Spock. Violence is never the answer."

"That is an illogical statement; on occasion, violence must be the answer."

She shakes her head, taking his hands in hers, and he leans his forehead against hers.

"I will do better," he relents, and she smiles.

**4.**  
For all the ways in which he is not purely Vulcan, Spock compensates neatly. They have no reason to reject him when at 19 he applies to the Vulcan Science Academy.

"You have surpassed the expectations of your instructors. Your final record is flawless, with once exception: I see you have applied to Starfleet as well."

"It was logical to cultivate multiple options."

"Logical, but unnecessary. You're hereby accepted to the Vulcan Science Academy." In that moment, Sarek believes he sees the vindication on Spock's face, and then Sorvek continues, "It is truly remarkable, Spock, that you have achieved so much, despite your disadvantage. All rise."

Sarek takes a moment longer, because he has seen the flicker of emotion skitter across his son's face, invisible to any but a father's eye trained to look for warning signs, and he knows now that this will be a situation like the blowing up of a science wing or the pummeling of a schoolmate- the Academy will never now know what Spock is capable of, because he will not be staying.

"If you would clarify, Minister. To what disadvantage are you referring?"

"Your Human mother."

"Council; Ministers, I must decline."

"No Vulcan has ever declined admission to this academy."

"Then as I am only half-Human your record remains untarnished." It is appropriate word choice, emphasizing Amanda's race, distancing himself verbally.

"Spock. You have made a commitment to honor the Vulcan way." Long ago, as a child with a bloody lip, and every moment since as he pursued a Vulcan education, stayed upon his father's planet despite offers to travel to Earth.

"Why did you come before the council today? Was it to satisfy your emotional need to rebel?" Sarek knows then the cause is lost: they do not understand Spock, and though Sarek is not fluent in his son, he knows well enough that this statement will only shove Spock off of Vulcan entirely. He will not stay. They will be deprived of his genius.

"The only emotion I wish to convey is gratitude. Thank you, Ministers, for your consideration. Live long and prosper." Spock turns on his heel fluidly and leaves the room, doubtless to seek the council of the Human mother they have so insulted.

They turn to Sarek, who looks at them all impassively. He is pure Vulcan, of one of the purest and most influential lines on their planet. He will not apologize, and nor will he expect Spock to do so. Spock has made his decision, and Sarek does not fault him with it: it is illogical to request acceptance from those who do not understand and have no wish to do so.

Amanda plays with his collar and smoothes it as Spock prepares to board the shuttle for San Francisco, Earth. Sarek imagines she did the same when he prepared to meet the council.

Spock has never spent an extended period of time among non-Vulcans- his only experience with a Terran Human is Amanda, who is culturally sensitive to their ways. Amanda has always effortlessly navigated her interactions with Vulcans- it is a reason she is so dear to him. Most Humans mistake control of emotion for its lack. Sarek understands that Spock feels he must make this journey, but he cannot help the illogical surge of protectiveness. There is nothing he can do as ambassador, of course, but he does not envy Spock what he is about to encounter. He is a child of both worlds, but Sarek fears that neither will accept him.

For three years Spock speaks of Starfleet in passive terms; clinical, emotionless, and rational. Amanda frowns and frets, and their home rings with the absence of their son.

**5.**  
"I am teaching courses at the Academy," Spock informs them over dinner.

Amanda smiles at him, her eyes rich with pride and delight that her son should follow in both of his parents footsteps. "Your father taught at the Vulcan Science Academy," she says.

"I was aware of that," Spock replies. His smile is for her, and she reaches out and squeezes his hand. Sarek watches as his son turns his hand under hers to clasp it in return. A Human response.

His son is 23, and could have been a member of the Science Academy; could have been a true Vulcan. In the next two years he will become a Commander in Starfleet, and begin crafting the curriculum of the academy.

And yet the conflict which rages in Spock is one which even Spock cannot address. His fierce loyalty to his mother and his deep adoration of her draws him to Earth and to Terrans in particular, but his physicality and his education render him Vulcan to Terrans. He belongs to neither world, and has no true sense of belonging. Sarek can only hope (illogically, perhaps) that continued work at Starfleet will give him purpose.

**6.**  
When Sarek desired for his son purpose two years ago, he never meant it to manifest in Jim Kirk.

"I have found a remarkable Human," Spock offers during a cocktail party at the Vulcan Embassy. "He is capable of doing advanced mathematics in his head, and yet is not enrolled in any institution of higher education, nor is he a professor. He absorbs great amounts of information quickly and thoroughly, and can put them to practical use, and yet makes no use of these talents."

"School isn't for everyone," Amanda says, almost doubtfully.

"He is a bartender, Mother."

Amanda bites her lip and sips her champagne. "I see. This vexes you."

"It is illogical, and he is resistant to my attempts to rectify the situation."

Amanda's expression tells Sarek that she believes Spock's interest in this young man to be less than platonic; that the deepening of the right corner of their son's mouth has not been lost upon her.

Spock tells her about this mathematics prodigy he struggles with, and she laughs and shakes her head and is appropriately scandalized.

It is times like these, as his son entertains his mother with frivolous stories, Sarek cannot help but be pleased. Spock is a troubling subject: Sarek is not comfortable with how illogical his love for his son makes him at times, and the fact that he is ill-equipped to deal with a biracial child's struggles to find a place of belonging and a purpose plagues him with feelings of inadequacies, which is not logical.

Spock puts down his untouched glass at 2200 hours, his gaze caught by something outside the window.

"If you will excuse me," he says. "I have classes in the morning to prepare for."

He kisses his mother goodnight and raises his hand to Sarek, who watches his son stride from the room, and then reappear outside, below. He tilts his head at a man on a motorcycle (inevitably Human), and then, to Sarek's infinite surprise, Spock settles behind the other man, wraps his arms around his chest, and allows himself to be driven away.

It is most unusual.

"I'm glad he has a project," Amanda says on the shuttle home, reaching and taking his hand as she is wont to do, wrapping her small fingers around his and watching the stars. "He's been so lost- at least this boy is a challenge."

"You believe he lacks stimulus."

"I think," she says slowly, thinking over her responses, "that giving someone else purpose gives him purpose."

"That is not wise," Sarek observes.

She smiles faintly, pressing two fingers to his own in an affectionate kiss. "Oh, Sarek. Love is hardly ever wise, but it is terribly necessary."

**7.**  
Their planet is being destroyed around them, and yet Spock is there, running up the steps.

"Spock!" Amanda breathes, breaking their concentration as they attempt to absorb and keep alive their history within their own minds: within the collective consciousness of all Vulcans.

"The planet has only seconds left we must evacuate," Spock says quickly. Amanda moves to follow, and Sarek does not hesitate.

"Mother, now!"

The building collapses around them, and Spock holds Amanda tightly as they run, her arm through his as she cries out as they all might wish to do as everything collapses around them.

"Spock to Enterprise, get out out now," Spock says briskly into his comm. They stand apart, Amanda stepping forward to look at the disaster being perpetrated on their planet, and as they begin to energize, she turns to look at them all, horror in her eyes.

And then she is falling, Spock's hand flinging out, and then they are on the Enterprise, and Spock is standing, shocked.

There are two men in space suits, a young Human at the console, but Sarek hardly notices them.

She is gone.

She is lost, and Spock is more Human in that moment than Sarek has ever seen him.

It is perhaps fitting.

**8.**  
Sarek does not know what happens on the bridge, but Doctor McCoy punches a wall upon his return.

Nurse Chapel takes his hand and bandages it quietly as he speaks to her, her blue eyes widening in evident shock.

"I thought they- "

"Apparently I was right," McCoy snarls. "Apparently that bastard doesn't feel a goddamn thing, and now we're headed for a little pow-wow with Starfleet with goddamn Jim marooned on Delta Vega."

It makes little sense, especially if Jim is Jim Kirk, as Sarek assumes he is. He does not understand why Spock would maroon his protégé on a frozen planet.

Unless of course, Spock is too compromised by Kirk, and has eliminated that compromise. Logical, but unlike Spock.

Sarek heads up towards the bridge, where he surmises that Kirk was undercutting Spock's authority. Sarek scarcely understands what is going on- the absence of billions of minds in the back of his own is unnerving him, and the absence of Amanda seriously threatening his grasp on his emotions. He elects to sit back and watch, to allow his son, clearly adept at this, to make the important decisions without interference.

Spock's ability to function exceeds his own, and Sarek is proud of him.

**9.**  
The man from the transportation room, whom Sarek is now assuming is Kirk, is brought in with another man, and Sarek stands, watching the angry, resigned set of Spock's shoulders and wondering at it.

The confrontation is brutal- Kirk knows what buttons to press, where Spock is most vulnerable, and appears, as all the rest of the crew do not, to be utterly unafraid of him, even as Spock yells and attacks him.

And then his son's hand clenches tighter and tighter around the Human's throat, the Human who has goaded him beyond all countenance; a full Vulcan would perhaps have been able to resist such an onslaught, but Sarek himself felt the stirrings of rage within him which he feared briefly that he could not control.

He allows it to continue too long: this vengeance of Amanda on a Human who does not understand the depth of their grief.

"Spock."

Spock stares down at the man gasping and coughing on the console, and their eyes catch and meet in a moment incongruous to the events which have just transpired. Spock looks back at Sarek, then his shoulders hunch and he says, shaken visibly (not as a Vulcan- so Human in this moment), "Doctor, I am no longer fit for duty, I hereby relinquish my command based on the fact that I have been emotionally compromised. Please note the time and date in the ship's log." He looks at the man on the console, and then, quietly, "Mr. Kirk. The ship is yours."

Kirk- this man is Spock's protégé, the man whom he has been wrapped up in for three years- this man has goaded him about the loss of Amanda. Sarek finds he is even more lost than he normally feels when attempting to understand his son. How can this man be anything to him when he has such power to destroy Spock?

He follows as Kirk's voice announces, "Either we're going down, or they are. Kirk out." He is so very Human. Sarek departs to find his son.

"Speak your mind, Spock," he urges, finding him where it is most logical to find him: the room in which they arrived and realized Amanda was not with them, lost to Nero's rage.

"That would be unwise."

"What is necessary is never unwise

"I am as conflicted as I once was as a child."

"You will always be a child of two worlds. I am grateful for this, and for you."

"I feel anger who took mother's life. An anger I cannot control," Spock confesses.

"I believe that she would say, 'Do not try to.' You asked me once why I married your mother. I married her because I loved her."

Amanda would have taken him into her arms, but Sarek cannot. He cannot offer Spock this- he is drained and unsteady from revealing so much. Spock feels anger: Sarek is grateful that he feels it. Anger keeps Humans alive, anger fuels them- Sarek only feels grief so overwhelming he nearly cannot contain it.

Spock passes him in the hall- does not stop and join Sarek and the other council members. Starfleet personnel all look and move from his path, and Sarek does not blame him; his son walks with sudden purpose.

He hopes it will not be in vain. He does not think that even adherence to logic will save him should he lose both Amanda and Spock.

**10.**  
He searches for his son after it has come to pass that Nero is defeated, and they are not consumed in a black hole.

He is in the hallway of a lower deck, his head pressed to the head of the Human, Kirk, whom he had earlier throttled, and then joined upon a suicide mission. Sarek cannot logically explain the events of the last few hours. He will not try to, but his steps pause as he adjusts to the new data set.

"I know, Spock. God, I know," Kirk is saying, his hands sliding up Spock's arms, up his neck to cup his face. His son's hands rest on the Human's hips, tight as though he will not let go.

"It should not have worked- "

"I told you it would."

"You know as well as I that statistically- "

"Statistically we had a 12.4509% chance of succeeding. An 84.593007% chance that one of us would die in the event that we didn't both die. I know the numbers, Spock."

"My mother had an 82% chance of survival, which leapt to 94% when one factors in Chekov at the transporter. Why should we have succeeded- why should we survive- "

"I don't know. I don't know, Spock. It's illogical."

Spock snorts softly, and Kirk grins.

"I'm just worried about the ride home," Kirk reflects. "I mean, Sulu does well under pressure, but what if he forgets where the brake is when we dock?"

"Jim."

"Or Chekov's accent confuses the computer- which we have to fix the programming on that, remind me to tell Uhura about seeing if- "

"Jim." This time Spock's tone is lighter, surfacing from his grief.

"Or what if I decide that I want to go frolic in the neutral zone- you know that Sulu would listen if I told him to change course- "   
 "Frolic."

"I could frolic."

"I do not believe _anyone_ who is over the age of five is capable of such an action."

"C'mon. I could totally frolic."

"I will leave you to frolic on your own time, then- "

"No, no, I don't have to frolic right _now_\- "

"- as I would not wish to deprive you of the experience which will surely- "

"Spock."

And there, in a hallway on a ship of 300 crew members and 6 Vulcan elders, Kirk pulls Spock's face to his and kisses him.

"I let go of her."

"It wasn't your fault."

"That is an illogical supposition. I should have seen- ."

"I'm Human, Spock. That doesn't mean I'm not right." Kirk's thumbs settle on psi points- not that Kirk, not being a Vulcan, would be capable of knowing such a thing. Sarek cannot imagine that Spock would have shared such knowledge- there would have been no cause so to do. He never shared the information with Amanda, as she could not have done anything with it.

"And your logic isn't exactly sound, there," Kirk continues. "It's illogical and a very human impulse to make this about you."

"Then she would be proud that I am embracing that facet of my heritage."

"I'm sure."

"You must return to the bridge."

"You're coming with me." It is both question and statement, a verbal manipulation which Sarek has always been fascinated by, as Terran Humans are the only species discovered thus far in the galaxy who use it with any regularity and effectiveness.

"It comes to my attention that there are inherent dangers in leaving you unsupervised on the bridge, especially given the absence of Doctor McCoy." Spock pauses. "Although it is possible he does not exert the mitigating force that one might believe due to his personality."

"I am telling him you said that," Kirk informs him, taking his hand, and Sarek watches as his fingers stroke down Spock's, and Spock leans into him. "Wait until he wreaks his hypo-filled vengeance for that slight on his character. I'll just sit and laugh, and laugh, and laugh…" his voice fades as they walk down the corridor, though Sarek believes it is logical to assume he is still talking.

It is too much to process, and so he saves the issue for another day's analysis and processing.

**11.**  
Spock elects to stay with Starfleet, becoming first officer aboard _the Enterprise_. Sarek's new duties, the unending tasks before them of establishing New Vulcan and drawing together the roughly five hundred thousand Vulcans left spread all over the galaxy, collecting genetic samples to begin to create the next generation, keep him busy. Yet he spares time in his day to think of his son out in the black of space, finding new worlds, and patrolling the Neutral Zone.

Every other year he and Kirk take their mandatory rest on New Vulcan, where Kirk neglects to wear both shirt and shoes and simultaneously disrupts and fascinates them all with what a perfect specimen of Humanity he is. Spock watches him with a raised eyebrow and a slight smile, and it occurs to Sarek that Spock has found a place where he fits; a place where he can be simply "Spock" and not identified entirely by either culture he was born into. On _the Enterprise_, Sarek believes Spock is finally free.

"That's it. I'm melting. This is me, melted into a puddle of goo. This is vengeance, isn't it? This is you exacting your revenge because Pike picked me to replace him as captain and you've just been waiting, plying me with sexual favors so I'd come here and expire on your freaking hot planet- new planet, whatever."

"If I had wanted to commit mutiny I could have done so from the ship long ago."

"Yeah right, they all like me best."

"That is what they allow you to believe, yes," Spock agrees.

Sarek clears his throat from the doorway of the home which they have bought and in which Kirk is spread, limbs akimbo, on the floor in only swimming shorts. He is flushed, and raises up onto his elbows without a hint of embarrassment. "Sarek."

"Captain. Spock, T'Pau wishes to discuss with you a new wife, for the Pon Farr- "

"That will not be necessary, Father," Spock says, and Kirk, in the background, laughs and flops back onto the floor, his body quivering with mirth. "The matter has been seen to."

Logically, Sarek decides he has no interest in knowing.


End file.
